Fates Foundation Announces New Vistas in Education

Stunning breakthroughs of the past decade have shown great promise in dealing with underperforming school age children. Now the Fates Foundation is transforming those breakthroughs into reality.

Founder Bill Fates said, “We looked at everything that was wrong with education and knew we had the technology to improve everything about the user experience opening up new Vistas for students everywhere.”

Fates continued, “We’ve been studying performance measurement books that conclude what gets measured gets improved and so we’re sort of on this kick of measuring everything. It’s important for us to know your child’s medical lab results, what time he gets on the bus, what blood type he has, and so on. You just don’t know how useful this information is until we start examining longitudinal data studies to determine what might be a factor in the educational process.”

The Fates Foundation doesn’t just get involved with performance data, but we have now invested in hi-tech solutions to monitor students and teachers. We have developed Galvanic Skin Response bracelets that perform the equivalent of an MRI on students while they are in the classroom in order to measure teacher effectiveness. Ideal for performance pay calculations. We are also performing  functional MRI’s for school children to make sure their brains are fully engaged in their educational experience. These tools help ensure teachers are keeping student attention levels high. After our push to create Common Core standards to bring about a global education system, it’s important we keep things on track.

“At the Fates foundation we also want to live up to our name. We’ve been watching ACT develop kindergarten and 3rd grade career assessments, but we really want to go back a step further and do in-utero DNA testing and brain analysis, and possibly biometric parental assessments to determine what careers are most likely for offspring of potential couples. Marrying the right person is such an important decision in life,” said Fates, “you should really know in advance what type of child your potential spouse is most likely to produce with you.”

Fates’ wife Melinda has been an ardent lifelong supporter of the need to ensure the right children are born to families. She recently shared that “this effort will lead to greater insights about what types of babies should be born that will be the best contributors to society. There’s no reason not to embrace a full eugenics program with this kind of information available. Bill’s father was president of Planned Parenthood and really inspired us to make family planning choices part of our funding endeavors.”

The Fates Foundation is now pleased to announce grant money awards for schools if they are willing to comply with a few rules that will meet new federal regulations paving the way for sharing of pertinent research-only data among interested stakeholders. These stakeholders include, but are not limited to, the Federal government, private businesses, the federal health care registry, and a website secured by your neighbor’s teenager.

In the name of quality research, we call on parents everywhere to trust us with your child’s information. What’s the worst that could happen?

The above article is satire and completely false except where noted with hyperlinks to real documents.

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